We tend to talk about success as though it is measured by productivity, achievement, or how much money we make. Yet, in the moments (if we allow them) when we slow down and pay closer attention to ourselves, a different truth tends to surface. In these moments we often notice that the quality of our lives is shaped less by the standard measures of success, and more by how we experience our lives as we live them.
The common and clinical term for how we experience our lives is “wellbeing,” and it is influenced by factors that are harder to measure. These factors are things like our emotional energy, sense of safety, capacity to rest, connection with others, and ability to be present in the moment. These factors affect how we parent, partner, work, and cope during difficult seasons. When they are depleted, even outward success cannot compensate, and we find we are moving through our lives but constantly exhausted, frequently irritable, anxious, or working really hard just to “hold it all together.”
What many people may not realize is that it is small decisions and every actions that drain our overall sense of wellbeing. These decisions and actions are often not even made consciously, but are the result of automatic behaviors we have adopted over the course of our lives, which are often influenced heavily by the circumstances in which we grew up.
Some of the most common behaviors that can negatively impact our wellbeing are focusing too much on keeping other people comfortable, happy, and okay. Some of us learned at a very early age how to anticipate needs, avoid conflict, get things done and be what others want (or what we think they want), while also learning to push our own feelings, needs and boundaries to last on our list (if they are on the list at all). Over time this causes us to disconnect from ourselves, which in turn impacts how we show up and experience our relationships, job, and overall sense of meaning in life.
Life transitions often bring these patterns into sharper focus. Divorce, loss, parenting stress, or major life changes can challenge our sense of identity and expose ways we may have been functioning from this place of unconscious behavior for years. But, at the same time, these moments can also create an opportunity to pause and ask deeper questions about what no longer feels sustainable and what we want to prioritize moving forward, if we let them.
In my work with adolescents, adults, and families, I often see two things: 1) That wellbeing can suffer at any age; it is not something only adults feel, and instead affects many of our tweens and teens at alarmingly increasing rates. 2) That healing begins by taking the time to create enough space and safety to better understand ourselves.
Therapy can offer a place to slow down, make sense of longstanding patterns, reconnect with emotions that may have been pushed aside, and begin responding to ourselves with greater honesty and compassion. Many of the ways we protect ourselves emotionally once served an important purpose, but over time they can also keep us stuck, create negative consequences in our lives and relationships, and extract a high cost that, when we really stop and look at it, we aren’t willing to pay.
Healing from these behaviors is not about becoming someone entirely new or making yourself a project that needs to be fixed. It is not another item for your to-do list, and it often won’t look anything like common ideas of success. Instead, real healing looks like feeling more connected to yourself, and more present in your relationships and daily life. When we begin paying attention to what truly supports our wellbeing, we create more room for authenticity, presence, and a greater sense of ease. Over time, this allows us to live with greater intention, enjoyment and peace, which is really what we are seeking when we seek “success.”
